Now / Later / Soon
A guest essay by Sam Perwin
Today we are proud to present this beautiful guest essay written by New York-based performer, writer, teacher, editor, and producer Sam Perwin. Enjoy!
Sondheim’s death in November of 2021 hit me like a gut-punch. I was back in my hometown for Thanksgiving when the news broke. My family, well-meaning but utterly clueless as to why and how this would affect me, a lifelong Sondheim zealot, provided little solace: “I really like Gypsy!” my sister offered. I nodded. I found some comfort in social media, but longed to be home in New York City where my peers were gathering in Times Square to sing “Sunday” and celebrate the master’s legacy. “Where are we to go? Where are we ever to go?” I tweeted.
Then, as if sent from the afterlife by the man himself, 2022 brought me a singular gift: a year of Sondheim. My first post-pandemic theater job was a gorgeous production of Marry Me A Little, in which I not only got to return to the stage but learn a whole slew of Sondheim songs I’d only heard in passing (“Uptown / Downtown!” “Happily Ever After!” “Silly People!” “Pour le Sport!”). This was followed almost immediately by a production of Assassins in which I finally got to add the dream role of John Wilkes Booth to my resume. Twenty years earlier, I had played The Balladeer in a college production and hadn’t revisited the brilliant score since. My brain leapt at the opportunity to see the show through Booth’s eyes rather than those of his antithesis, The Balladeer. What a beautiful opportunity to play the anti-hero and explore America’s dark underbelly.
I’d also been contemplating my next tattoo - my fifth - and particularly after his death and a year of interpreting his works, I was pretty sure I wanted it to be Sondheim related. My previous tattoos have, for the most part, marked the end or beginning of significant periods in my life. I got my first one when I left a successful tech start-up to pursue performing full-time, for example; my third was after my divorce. My therapist gave me a phrase I use often about moments in life where everything seems possible and expansive: the fertile void. It’s a time when anything can grow if you plant the seeds. I was back in action. It was time.
But what would it be? How to honor a man whose words and music awakened my heart and mind to an elevated form of musical theater that no one has been able to touch since? A lyric, a phrase of music, a hat? One show kept coming back to me - one piece in particular. Someone once asked me the role on my resume that I would happily play forever, and my answer is the same now as it was then: Carl Magnus in A Little Night Music. The Count is not someone I identify with particularly - at heart I’m much more of an overthinking, overly articulate Frederik. But as ideal roles for me go, this one’s a perfect fit for my type and voice. And Night Music, with all its waltzy charm, family foibles, and scheming aristocrats, remains my favorite Sondheim musical.
And within that glorious score, the “Now / Later / Soon” trio lives, as the kids say, rent-free in my brain. Aside from its function of introducing the character quirks of Frederik, Henrik, and Anne, the piece accomplishes one of my favorite classic musical theater tricks: the interweaving of different melodies established by different characters (the “Tonight” quintet from West Side Story is an oft cited example of this phenomenon). What I love in particular about this trio is how the mood of each individual piece illuminates each character’s inner life. Frederik’s “Now,” with its quick, tripping eighth-note patterns show us his whirling brain; Henrik’s halting and lugubrious “Later” shows us his frustration; the lilting rise and fall melody of Anne’s “Soon” demonstrates how she hides her fears and naivete behind triviality. But then, when the three come together, they musically inform one another: Frederik’s melody slows down (granted, he is supposed to be asleep), Henrik’s speeds up, and Anne’s floats through the middle mostly unchanged, as both men’s lives shift to accommodate hers. It is a thing of beauty.
And then, of course, there’s the thematic sentiment. All three of them want to act, but seem stymied, each in different ways. Frederik says “Now,” but can’t get out of his own way. Henrik laments always being told “Later,” but always acquiesces and waits his turn. Anne says “Soon,” but gives no timeline. I’ve always struggled with the push and pull of Now / Later / Soon. My ambition says “Do it now!” My perfectionism says “Wait until later - this isn’t the right time.” My hope and optimism say “Good things are coming soon.” They’ve always triangulated and informed each other, just as the trio does. The accelerando of “Now” tempered by the ritardando of “Later” all kept afloat by the moderato of “Soon.” To reference a non-Sondheim musical: the rhythm of life.
My fourth tattoo, which I got at the end of the pandemic and before my year of Sondheim began, is a small quarter rest on my left wrist - a reminder that it’s OK to take a beat, to breathe. One of the other ideas I wanted to convey in my Now / Later / Soon tattoo was that out of this push and pull comes growth. I hired a designer to incorporate the branches from the iconic tree on the cover of the Night Music OBCR, growing through the letters (in typewriter font, of course, because Sondheim). They begin in the Now, take root and spread in the Later, and start to blossom in the Soon. As with Frederik, Henrik, and Anne, each sentiment and imperative inform different aspects and periods of my life. Ultimately, I think, the tattoo is there to remind me that it’s OK to move back and forth between the three states - my partner has even taken to asking “Is today a Now day, a Later day, or a Soon day?” Some days it can be all three at once, or none at all.
One of my only complaints about A Little Night Music is that unlike many other Sondheim musicals, this one wraps up pretty neatly on the last few pages - all the couples fall together as they inevitably must: Frederik and Desiree, Henrik and Anne, even Carl-Magnus and Charlotte rediscover their love for each other. The summer night does indeed smile on everyone. And yet, in the spirit of “Now / Later / Soon,” I hope this tattoo reminds me to find comfort in uncertainty, ease in the transitions between the states, and joy in the expectations of all three. What’s that line about perpetual anticipation?
